magaretnahmias

Being Different

I have always felt different
Tried to be comfortable in my skin
Sometimes I wish I could jump out of it
And be someone else.
Then I  realized that maybe.
I would feel the same way.

I have learned over the years that being different is a liability or asset, depending on how it is perceived.  If your difference is socially unacceptable is looked down upon.  However, if you break undesirable norms, then yes, it is applauded.  This is why  I have always experienced the tension of wanting to be myself completely and feeling like  I was one mistake away from permanent rejection.   The constant comparisons of my mom almost poisoned our relationship. At times, I can tell she still doesn't accept me.   It confuses my dad, who has recently noticed it. I hate when he attributes it to mental illness because it is very dismissive.   I knew my disability did not make me normal, but  I did not fit in either world.  I was too smart for special ed classes but could not keep up with the pace of regular ed classes, especially in college.   I call it the high-functioning curse. I never knew what I could do or not do in advance, and for a while, I did not know why or why not.  It did not help that I was undiagnosed.   I read about Non-Verbal Learning disorder, and it explained a lot of my behaviors, especially my disorganization and lack of sustained focus.  I feel like  I have a why now, even if it is not an official diagnosis 

Originally posted on Facebook  December 5, 2007

Updated  May 2, 2021

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