My Spiritual Weaknesses
Sounds eerily accurate, especially in the first paragraph. I always knew my lack of discipline was my weakness spiritually. I have great insight, but I often feel it is wasted because of my lack of discipline. I often struggled with what my pastor called the vacation vs. prison mentality of relating to the world. I'd be so scared of being contaminated by the world that I'd go into the prison mentality, afraid and longing to escape. When I got bored with that, I'd go into the vacation mentality. Now I know why James says a double-minded person is unstable in all he does and should not expect to receive anything from God. It is exhausting and has made me want to give up because I don't have the discipline required to be consistent with him. I am often governed by the urgent or the pleasurable. Pleasure, in fact, is probably the root idols that drive my lack of focus in addition to the mental makeup. I am governed more by the urgent and the immediate than the eternal future. I have thought about purpose in the beginning, but probably because it was the thing to do. I realized I needed more intentionality. I agree that being self-aware helps because I did not see growth areas before It is easier to want God's best than to go after it. Although sanctification is gradual, we have to be intentional about pursuing and submitting to it.
I felt stuck because I never really had any of the usual church talents, and sometimes sharing verbally scares me. I did not want to go beyond what I felt was my gifting, but I realize that I may have been using that as an excuse. I brought up the possibility of public speaking with mom, and she said that maybe I could do it. However, the prep work and formality involved intimidate me. I
However, like with my anxiety, I thought willpower was the answer. I realized by doing the Priscilla Shrier study of Elijah trying to start my own, and then I choked on the ashes when it dies out. I need his power; I need not only to ask but to purposely listen.