magaretnahmias

A deep dive into me- A mini autobiography

As I have struggled to have  any semblance of a so -called normal life. I realized how I have come from where I was.

I  have undiagnosed developmental disability. My mom got angry with the doctor and never got me diagnosed. We just called  a learning disability but it could have been something else like Non- Verbal Learning Disorder.  This is so called because the deficits  are  not related to language  And after reading about it it sounded like me especially te being good at language part and bad with math.  My mom also suspected autism because  of my speech delay and because I rolled away from her as baby.  I think my lack of concentration sometimes could stem from that.   I was in all kind of therapy as a result. First speech therapy  until I learned to speak, occupational therapy.

However despite this  I was smart. I learned to read in kindergarten and was a grade ahead until the 3rd grade class where I got nervous. I got out of special ed classes after 2nd grade which rarely happens. I was still considered special ed though since I was guidance counseling.   Add to that I was a perfectionist. If I forgot something or a got less than a perfect score on a test I'd be upset   My mom remembers putting holes in paper because I erased so much. 

But after that I took an emotional turn for the worse. I was teased  and I had a friend who turned on me.  Worried that I have become withdrawn  I went to therapy for the first time from 1994-1996.  It didn't really help because it didn't change my thoughts.  I was so disgusted with the whole thing that I threw out my elementary school yearbook  My self-esteem  was so low that I thought everyone hated me and I was surprised when people wrote nice things about in my middle school.   I was pretty much closed off which didn;'t help Add to my perfectionist tendencies of trying to live up to my mom's expectations of me. She thought I'd be like everyone else and I wasn't  that disappointed her. It almost ruined our relationship.  And even to this day, that old wound does open from time to time 

I would carry this feeling to high school and that is where my anxiety  began to show, but  at the time I thought willpower would be enough to overcome it. I was wrong.  When I started college, I felt pretty safe but I would have incident that forced me to confront it again.  Foolishly thinking I could drive in NY I ended up driving the wrong way on a one way. I got so nervous when the person yelled at me for it I was taken to the hospital because they probably thought I was impaired. When I did not calm down  I ended up staying there five days   I did well and was discharged to outpatient care once my parents got there.

When I got I continued to take the medicine until it interfered with my period ( I would later find out this was due to high  prolactin )  and never looked at this again.  I entered treatment again after it interfered with my ability to get and hold an internship in the medical coding program I had started after returning from NY in 2008.   Even though my anxiety did not prevent me from going out I often felt judged in social situations. Of course some thought I was high because  I was so nervous usually cops who have no experience with anxiety.    I also  was in  two different support groups  until I did not need them anymore.

Something changed in  me  so suddenly it was hard to explain how.   I was a lot calmer and actually talking too much one time. I took that as a sign of progress. I learned to play to my social strengths which is more group -oriented t. I also began to realize I was more introverted and that was okay. No one was judging me if I did not talk(  that happens suddenly sometimes) It was ok to leave the social event I was no longer interested in although I still have trouble being the first to leave sometimes. I let go of my perfectionist tendencies though I am risk-adverse most of the time. I can say now that I am emotionally at a better place than I was when I was younger   I am more outgoing and confident. This  makes my other struggles so frustrating.  The problem  is when you're a high functioning disabled person you're between two  worlds. Being   undiagnosed doesn't help. I sometimes I wish I had that clarity. 

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